Mystic the Absol [New and Improved!]

First I would like to say that every two years or so this story gets a new incarnation xD
I haven’t rewritten this story since 2013, so I’m hoping it looks better than the last two times I’ve rewritten it. Let’s hope it’s intriguing and just a little bit longer than the last incarnations~
And as always, critiques and words of wisdom are always welcome!
Enjoy everyone!


Chapter One

The gusty northern air blew fiercely as two Absol raced across the icy floors of Sky Fortress. This giant castle was hidden high above the clouds where no Pokemon dared to travel. Due to the foreboding weather, perilous Pokemon, and treacherous landscapes; it was hell to navigate- that is, to those who didn’t call it home.Sky Fortress was a promised safe haven from outsiders. Articuno, Zapdos, and Moltres governed its promised lands. Furthermore, the majestic Rayquaza ruled above them. These four guardians of the sky kept their home safe for centuries. Despite their protection, the ice proved precarious to two young Absol racing across its slippery surface.

The larger chased the smaller, as though she was trying to catch him.

“Mystic, I’m not playing anymore!” she cried out, “We need to go home!”

“Aw come on, Abby! You’re such a worrywart! Momma said we could go out and play!”

“Yeah, but if we keep sliding on this ice, sooner or later we’ll fall out of the sky!”

“That’s just a bunch of made up stories that Pokemon made up! You can’t really fall out of the sky!”

Abby stopped and looked worriedly at her brother. She wish that he’d listen to her for once. It’s always been like this. Even though she was his older sister, he never, ever listened to her. Their mother had often told them stories about how Pokemon that live in Sky Fortress can fall out of the sky if they’re not careful; but both Abby and Mystic shrugged that off as an old tall tale used to scare the Fortress Folk. However, Abby could see why one would worry about that. Sky Fortress was literally on top of clouds and who knew if it was even attached to a mountain?

As she contemplated all of this, Mystic was getting farther and farther away from her; laughing about and enjoying the freedom of being young. Abby saw him running straight for a patch of ice and darted straight for him. Mystic bounced about happily only to be yanked at the tail by his sister. He looked at her angrily and huffed.

“What’s your problem!?” he asked.

“I didn’t want you to get hurt! Momma said when she isn’t around, it’s my responsibility to take care of you!” she exclaimed.

Mystic shook his head, still angry with his sister, “You don’t need to worry about me, Abby! I’m old enough to take care of myself!”

“Mystic, you’re still just a toddler … you need to let Pokemon help you. If you keep denying help, one of these days you’ll get in over your head and-”

“Alright, mom, I didn’t ask for a lecture.”

“Mystic …”

Abby felt a shiver go down her spine and she looked around nervously. Mystic must have felt the wind too because he glanced around as well. This was no ordinary wind, however. This felt like a frigid chill that could freeze anyone’s body. A chill that could encase someone in ice forever.

“We should really get home.” Abby said hurriedly.

“Hold on, we should really see what all this fuss is about. Why would the wind get so cold so fast? And the wind isn’t even that gusty.”

“What if it’s a Frosslass? You’ve heard the stories about them, right?”

“Yeah, yeah, about how if you hear their song, they’ll freeze you to death. I’ve heard it.”

“Well, I certainly don’t want to be around to hear it’s voice! Let’s go home, please!’

Mystic sighed angrily and felt the fur along his neck whip in the wind. He shivered as the wind grew colder and more ominous. He looked to Abby and nodded, still upset they couldn’t spend a little more time out here.

“Fine, you win. Let’s go home.”

Abby looked at her brother, gleefully. Now they could get home before anything happened. If something happened to Mystic, she would never be able to go home to momma and confess what happened. Abby went to turn around to head home and was immediately silenced. Mystic, noticing her go quiet suddenly turned to her and followed her gaze. Floating right before them was a group of Cryogonal hissing and sputtering ice everywhere.

Abby screeched as ice shards were flung her way and she quickly dodged out of the way, barely missing the ice. A Cryogonal came barrelling towards her unleashing an ice beam as it went. She leapt away, but even as swift as she was, she still got hit by the beam. Her hind paw became encased in ice and she let out a roar of pain. She hit the ground, trying to regain herself.

“Abby!” Mystic cried, dashing to his sister’s side. However, the Cyrogonal wouldn’t let him pass to get to Abby. He growled at them and let out a Feint attack, charging towards one of the Cryogonal ready to unleash his fury. He swiped his claws against the rock hard, icy body of the floating snowflakes and let out a yelp when his claw erupted in pain. He backed off and looked towards Abby.

I’m not strong enough …’ he thought, ‘How am I gonna get Abby and myself out of this …?

Without warning all of the Cryogonal gathered in a horde and simultaneously prepared a blizzard attack. Winds whipped around the siblings, shards of ice and clumps of snow hit them from all different angles. Abby could feel herself losing consciousness, and Mystic too was getting tired and cold. When the blizzard was at it’s full potential, the Crygonal let out an icy wind at the same time, creating a vortex as they spun around, Mystic had never seen anything like this and watched in horror as the vortex began to lift him and his sister from the ground. At that moment, Mystic wished he had listened to Abby and went home.

Sky Fortress was a safe haven to all who lived there.
But the Cryogonal made it a living nightmare.

The last thing Mystic remembered was hitting something hard many times, and tumbling into what felt like a soft pillow. That’s all he felt before he fell unconscious.

Hiya, Marusaki! I’m glad the Literature subforum is getting some love. I’m in the mood to write, but I can never get anything done regarding my own personal projects. Instead, I’m going to make some changes to what you have and I hope it helps!

I’ve dissected the first paragraph and rewrote it with some edits. Note, you definitely do not have to take any of my changes to heart! Most of these are just personal preference and perhaps you can pull a few things from them!

PS. I didn’t use size 85 because I don’t want to murder your eyes while reading what I wrote.

The wind blew in the northern air as two Absol raced across the icy floors of Sky Fortress. This giant castle was located high above the clouds where no Pokemon dared to travel. Due to the foreboding weather, dangerous Pokemon, and dangerous landscapes; it was a hellscape to all. That is, to all that didn’t live there. Living in Sky Fortress was almost like a promised safe haven from outsiders. All of the Pokemon who lived in this region above the clouds were governed by Articuno, Moltres, and Zapdos. And above those three, the majestic Rayquaza. Their home was protected by the four guardians of the sky, and they were kept safe for hundreds of years. But even so, walking amongst the icy floors of the Ice path in Sky Fortress could prove to be dangerous to two young Absol such as them.

[spoilerEdited:e86h805m]A gust blew in the unrelenting northern air as two Absols raced across the icy floors of Sky Fortress. This giant castle was hidden high above the clouds where no Pokemon dared to travel. Foreboding weather, perilous Pokemon, and the treacherous terrain made it hell to navigate - that is, to those who didn’t call it home.

Sky Fortress was a safe haven from the outside. Articuno, Zapdos, and Moltres governed its promised lands. Furthermore, the majestic Rayquaza ruled above them. These four guardians of the sky kept their home safe for centuries. Despite their protection, the ice proved precarious to two young Absol racing across its slippery surface.

[/details]

Old: The wind blew in the northern air as two Absol raced across the icy floors of Sky Fortress.
New: A gust blew in the unrelenting northern air as two Absols raced across the icy floors of Sky Fortress.

Describe the “northern air”! Tell me how cold is it? Is it a “brisk autumn breeze” or is it a “bitter, biting gust”?
Edit: Here’s my absolute favorite site when writing. It’s a real help when trying to find the right word!


Old: This giant castle was located high above the clouds where no Pokemon dared to travel.
New: This giant castle was hidden high above the clouds where no Pokemon dared to travel.

Minor change. Located -> Hidden. Mainly personal choice. Located just tells the reader that a giant castle is in the sky. I chose “hidden” because I thought it signifies the castle is “hidden” behind layers of clouds.


Old: Due to the foreboding weather, dangerous Pokemon, and dangerous landscapes; it was a hellscape to all. That is, to all that didn’t live there.
New: Foreboding weather, perilous Pokemon, and the treacherous terrain made it hell to navigate - that is, to those who didn’t call it home.

Repetition really bugs me in my own writing. I hate reusing the same word in the same paragraph or the few surrounding paragraphs. Considering there are so many other words to describe what you want, I highly recommend you find an alternative!

Dangerous -> Perilous and Treacherous.

Also, I added in some alliteration in there so it flows better. (Where two words or a string words have the same starting sound. Treacherous and Terrain for example.)


Old:Living in Sky Fortress was almost like a promised safe haven from outsiders.
New: Sky Fortress was a safe haven from the outside.

Is Sky Fortress LIKE a safe haven or IS IT a safe haven? Make sure to clarify.


Old: All of the Pokemon who lived in this region above the clouds were governed by Articuno, Moltres, and Zapdos. And above those three, the majestic Rayquaza. Their home was protected by the four guardians of the sky, and they were kept safe for hundreds of years.
New: Articuno, Zapdos, and Moltres governed its promised lands. Furthermore, the majestic Rayquaza ruled above them. These four guardians of the sky kept their home safe for centuries.

Don’t start a sentence with “and” unless you can finish it with an independent clause. “And above those three, the majestic Rayquaza” is not a complete thought. You can alternatively reorder it to say “The majestic Rayquaza was above those three” or something along those lines.

Secondly, being a bit nitpicky here, but I have a minor problem with “Their home was protected by the four guardians of the sky, and they were kept safe for hundreds of years.”

The sentence is structured in a way that “the four guardians of the sky… were kept safe for hundreds of years”. The guardians of the sky weren’t the ones being protected. Their HOME is the one being protected by them. Reorder your sentences to be clear and concise about their respective subjects and objects receiving an action or description.


Old: But even so, walking amongst the icy floors of the Ice path in Sky Fortress could prove to be dangerous to two young Absol such as them.
New: Despite their protection, the ice proved precarious to two young Absol racing across its slippery surface.

Again with the alliteration for flow and perhaps add in an action or adjective that tells the reader what the Absols are doing.

I hope my notes were of some use. I’ll let you touch up the rest of the work yourself. Remember, write first, then edit! Never do both at once.

Best of luck and keep writing! I’ll be more than happy to throw some comments back!

They did help! Thanks a lot! I’m going to use that Thesaurus website from now on, and I’m hoping I did a bit better with this next chapter cx

Chapter 2

The sun glistened brightly on Grassroot Town as a pleasant summer breeze blew through the treetops. The sun’s rays gleamed on the rippling water of the town’s pond and reflections of Pokemon could be seen running past the rippling waves. Pokemon and explorers of varying colors were bustling about. Buying, trading, training, it was all a daily thing to the Pokemon here. Missions were taken from the mission board, different Pokemon were recruited to Guilds, nothing was ever a bore in Grassroot Town.

A Gardevoir by the name of Marusaki made her way for the message board. She was eager to see if there were any missions for a certain dungeon crawling with dragons. If not, maybe a semi easier dungeon that could boast a trove of treasures.

Once at the message board, she quickly scanned the requests to see if there was anything to be done. Once she got to Master Rank, she’d be able to make a guild, and that had been a dream of her’s for a very long time. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary with these missions however. Though, one mission did have a reviver seed and it was at Mt. Stormhold. It was an ‘A’ Rank mission, so it could give her the points she needed and it could give her an item that would help her out in the long run. With that thought in her mind, she took the mission and headed for the northern part of town. It was there that she saw a Tyrogue contemplating some missions he had. She noticed this Tyrogue immediately and called out to him.

“Jizoku!” Marusaki called out.

The Tyrogue’s head bobbed from the intense glare it was giving the sheets of paper and lifted to see Marusaki coming towards him. He waved back, bringing his attention back to his missions.

“Hey, Maru.” he said quietly.

“Whatcha doin’?” Maru asked the small Pokemon.

“Looking over missions.” he said fast and bluntly. “I need to go to Winden.”

“What a coincidence! I’m on my way there myself! We can go together.”

“If that’s what makes you happy.” He replied, still glancing at his papers.

Marusaki laughed a bit, he may seem cold, but I’m sure he’ll open up some day …

The two walked and talked as they headed for Winden. Marusaki explained how she had been trying to recruit lots of Pokemon so that when the time came, she’d be able to make her own guild with lots of members. Jizoku simply nodded as she yapped away.

“You said you were headed to Stormhold right? Better be careful the wind doesn’t blow you out.” he said bluntly, giving into a laugh.

“That’s right! But, you know what? I’ve never had any troubles with the wind there. It’s almost like it doesn’t bother me at all."

“Good thing you’re fast. If you weren’t you wouldn’t stand a chance."

“Pfft, thanks for the vote of confidence, Jizoku.”

“What? I said you’re fast! Geez.”

“I’ve always been fast enough and the wind never kicked me out. So hopefully things go good and I can get my reviver seed.”

“Using it for another visit to Dragon’s Descent?” Jizoku asked jokingly, “You never tire of that place. You must really want a Goomy to join you.”

Marusaki looked away, a bit ashamed, and sighed, “Yeah, I suppose so …"

The duo continued to talk until they reached Winden Town. It was at this point that they would split. Jizoku had several missions to do in and around Winden, so he let Marusaki go off and do her own thing. She said goodbye to her friend and she made with her own to-do list. While in Winden she stocked up on a bunch of items to help her in Stormhold, and once she was all stocked up, she began her long trek up to the base of the mountain.

The sun was beginning to disappear behind clouds the further up the mountain she climbed. The wind picked up and the chill dropped significantly. It was almost as if a blizzard had picked up unexpectedly. Though there was no snow whipping around and it just felt ominous. Marusaki wondered how a storm could have whipped up this fast, and it made her uncomfortable to travel all the way up the mountain to the entrance in this brisk weather.

Marusaki stopped in her tracks around the mid way when she thought she heard groaning coming from nearby. She turned and saw a clump of snow built up behind her, and it didn’t look like ordinary snow buildup. She thought she saw it bulge and move a bit, so that was her cue to start searching for signs of life beneath that snow pile.

She sank to her knees and began to dig out whatever was caught beneath the chilled powder. After a few moments of digging, she felt something soft but cold beneath her hands. It was fur! It was a Pokemon! Marusaki finally cleared away enough snow and found a frozen, unconscious baby Absol. She looked around frantically, thinking of what to do. Did it live at Mt. Stormhold? Where did it come from? And why was it collapsed here?

As the wind howled and furiously blew snow around, she decided the best thing to do was get this creature somewhere warm. If she could save it’s life, then she could worry about finding out where it lives. Using all her might,she heaved the Pokemon over her shoulder and felt the crushing weight above her.
“Wow, even for a baby this thing weighs a ton …” she grumbled to herself.

Slowly, she began making her way back to Winden, where she could give this Absol the care it desperately needed.
The way back was tough, and even tougher while carrying a Pokemon half her size on her back. She had to climb down rocky slopes, trudge through snow, and try her best not to fall over from the weight of it. But the thought of saving this little one’s life kept her going through the the cold.


As soon as she arrived in town, she saw Jizoku arriving from the Northwest. He had most likely just completed a mission in Crystal Castle. When the Tyrogue glanced over and saw Marusaki hunched over, carrying an Absol, he immediately rushed to her side to aid her.

“What happened?” he asked, helping her lift up the Absol, “Here let me carry him!"

Marusaki did as instructed, “Uh are you sure …? He’s pretty heavy …"

“I got it!” he said, lifting the Pokemon up, “So tell me what happened! Why are you carrying an unoncious Absol? This isn’t how you recruit things y’know!”

“I-I know that!” Marusaki barked back, "And I don’t know, I just found him collapsed in the snow! We need to get him some place warm.”

“Perhaps the Sauna will do him some good.” Jizoku replied. “What happened with your speed Maru. I thought you were fast. This poor kid is nearly frozen.”

“Ok, enough with the insults dude." she finally said, "I just wonder how the poor thing ended up in this desolate place. Do you think he could have lived in Stormhold? I’ve rarely seen any Absol there.”

“Maybe he was from Snowveil Den. Then again, it is pretty far away from Stormhold.” Jizoku added.

“Well, whatever. Let’s get him some warmth. We’ll worry about questions later.” Marusaki finally stated.

The Tyrouge nodded and the duo headed for the Sauna. There, they could hopefully try to revive this poor Absol. And still, so many questions floated in their minds. Where did he come from? Why was he all alone in the snow? And how did Marusaki carry this baby Absol all the way down the base of Mt. Stormhold? That question, was the biggest mystery of them all.